The Cereal Killer

Who needs Heaven when you’ve got breakfast for dinner?

So this is how it went down:

On Easter Eve, my so-called “boyfriend“‘s mom came into his room with this super cute sample-size box of new Honey Bunches of Oats with Raisins. She said, “Alan, do you want this?” To which he replied, “of course, mother, thank you.”

When she left the room, I promptly took what was mine.

So, Honey Bunches of Oats with Raisins. Before I even begin this review, take a close look at the photo. If you notice, the box boasts not one, not two, but THREE TYPES OF RAISINS. HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.

I did my best to identify these so-called three types of raisins, and I have displayed them in front of the cereal bowl. I ate each one individually, all foodie-like, and came to the conclusion that there is no such thing as different types of raisins. Bastards.

This cereal just tastes like Honey Bunches of Oats, but with a few raisins in it. Actually, maybe by “three types of raisins” they meant “three raisins.” That would make more sense. 

Raisins.

Stuck in bed last week with what I will, uh, euphemism…ize… as a “stomach flu,” the only thing I could eat was applesauce and this beautiful SOB of a cereal. Upon examining my box, though, I thought about something I’ve never really considered. What in the Sam Hill is this “farina”? About one second later, I flipped through the Trader Joe’s flier that happened to have arrived that day, and lo and behold, A PARAGRAPH ON FARINA! Awesome. Thanks for reading my mind as usual, Trader Joe’s. Here’s what I found out:

“Made with wheat farina (finely ground wheat endosperm), this cereal cooks quickly into smooth, creamy—”

Wait, what? Gross!

Then I threw up.

Upon noticing no cereal bowls in the sink this morning, my roommate sent me the following text:

“Did you not even eat cereal before bed???”

Somebody has a problem. And that somebody is me.

Got this question in Trivial Pursuit (pop culture edition) today and I’m ashamed to say I did not know they answer. Do you?

 ”What cereal is hyped by a strawberry-craving monster in pink overalls?”

So Honey Bunches of Oats recently started following me, obviously as part of their slightly too-“hip” marketing overhaul. This of course prompted me to look at what I’ve written about them, as they truly are one of my favorite cereals. And the answer is… nothing?? Other than a little piece about how much of a total let-down their “with cinnamon bunches” version is. 

Anyway, to make up for my unintentional silence, here is a little play I just wrote just now about something that really happened to me.

MOST OF THIS IS WRITTEN IN DOUBLE ENTENDRE  

by The Cereal Killer

SCENE:  Shaw’s, Somerville, Massachusetts. 2010.

HOLLY, a sexy intellectual with a love for Honey Bunches is shopping in her favorite aisle. She wears a cape and looks super cool in glasses. TODD, a boring guy, and LESLIE, a boring girl who is oddly nervous for someone who is just picking out cereal, are shopping for cereal as well. TODD and LESLIE are examining a box of HBoA.

TODD:  I’ve heard this is really good.

LESLIE:  Yes, I have heard that also.

TODD:  Maybe we should try it.

LESLIE:  I don’t know, Todd. What if we don’t like it?

TODD:  Good point. Perhaps we should not buy this box of Honey Bunches of Oats.

LESLIE:  Yes, let us buy some plain Cheerios instead.

TODD:  Hurry up and put those delicious-looking Honey Bunches of Oats back on the shelf; Two and a Half Men is on soon.

(HOLLY cannot take it anymore. She darts between LESLIE and the shelf before LESLIE can put the HBoA back)

HOLLY:  Just a minute, fair citizen! You can’t just write off Honey Bunches of Oats without trying them!

TODD and LESLIE:  Whaaaaaaaaaaa-??

HOLLY:  That’s right! I will literally give you the $3.79 so you can buy them.

LESLIE:  Are they really that good?

HOLLY:  They are as good as I am hot.

TODD:  In that case, I’ll take five boxes!

LESLIE:  Hey!!! (She slaps TODD across the face)

HOLLY:  Don’t thank me, thank Post! (HOLLY flies off into outer space)

FIN.

#honey bunches of oats

Dear stereotypical college student,

You know how every Friday, after a grueling night of binge-drinking grape Rubinoff and running around campus looking for your roommate’s lost Blackberry, you roll out of your extra-long twin bed around 2 pm, open your tiny fridge, and enjoy a breakfast of week-old Chinese food and cold pizza? Yeah. Fuck that.

I don’t know, maybe it’s my delicate constitution, but the idea of eating “dinner” food for breakfast is nauseating, no matter how much PBR I threw up the night before. (Just kidding, mom! I only drink microbrews.) Even eggs tend to seem like a little too much in the a.m. I sure can eat some waffles, though, which I suppose is gross in its own way.

What do you like to eat for breakfast on the weekends? If they answer is “nothing,” please watch this music video.

PAYCE

For my birthday, by lovely roommate got me some beautiful mugs! Look how well this one goes with this bowl!! I’ll never use any of my other bowls or mugs again.

(Bowl, Urban Outfitters; Mug, Crate & Barrel)

Here is something you can make, that will taste good:

1.) Chop up an APPLE real small-like

2.) Put it in a pan with some BUTTER and BROWN SUGAR

3.) When I say “some” I mean SO MUCH

4.) Turn the stove on

5.) Mix the Apples around til they’re real soft and gooey

6.) Make a CHEDDAR CHEESE OMELET

7.) Put the caramelized apples inside it

8.) Don’t take a picture for your blog because it will look like garbage

9.) FINISH IT UP, ROOK!

Gift Idea

For $20, Oxfam will provide breakfast to a child in need.